It’s difficult to have any idea why some of them are here. Apart, that is, from the fact that going to university is a time to escape your dreary home town and dull ‘rents, change identity, grow up (a bit) and delay the real world.

But there must be a cheaper way of achieving that than clocking up nearly £30,000 in tuition fees and thousands more in other maintenance loans. There’s nothing to stop anyone moving to a different part of the country, taking a job, however menial initially, and moving into a shared house.

Oh, but hang on, there’s a multitude of reasons not to do it that way.

1. You’d be expected to be at work on time every day
2. You have to make an effort to build a social life
3. You will only have four or five weeks’ holiday a year

So let’s be students instead, even though we don’t give a tutorial’s toot about the actual subject we’re “studying”.

1. You can stay in bed all day, every day, and drop in to occasional lectures for a snooze
2. You have a ready-made bunch of like-minded slackers to shag make friends with
3. You will have at least 20 weeks’ holiday a year

I have sat in a seminar with five out of 40 students present: two were openly scrolling through Instagram right in front of the lecturer, another was fast asleep, leaving me and another student (a non-UK national…) to bother.

But it doesn’t really matter, because 25% of students achieve a First Class degree nowadays (they’re paying customers, remember).

So that’s all good, then.