On a recent rail trip around the Highlands of Scotland, I travelled on both steam railways and conventional ScotRail trains. The steam railways obviously ran on time to the nearest one-hundredth of a second, were staffed by cheerful people and full of happy passengers. The ScotRail trains were pretty good too – but I speak as someone who regularly has to suffer the embarrassment that is Southern Rail through Sussex.

One journey from Aviemore to Inverness, a trip of about 40 minutes, was running ten minutes late. This is just ten minutes late on a train which has travelled over a distance of 156 miles, originating in Edinburgh, in a total journey time of 3 hours 30 minutes. I didn’t think that was much of a problem. I had a seat and the scenery was captivating.

In Southern Rail World, ten minutes late is pretty much ‘on time’ over a distance of less than 50 miles, lasting around one hour. I’d be thrilled it hadn’t been cancelled. Oh, and I wouldn’t have a seat. And they’ve long since abandoned refreshment trollies and the toilets are usually blocked. What do you people expect? An efficient 21st century integrated public transport network? Oh, come on!

Anyway, back to the beautiful north where the ten-minute ScotRail train delay prompted this gem of an apology from the guard:

“I’m sorry this train is late, which is due to the late running of a previous train. I’m sorry it’s overcrowded and many of you couldn’t have a seat, which must have caused you some discomfort. I’m sorry we couldn’t bring the refreshment trolley down as there wasn’t room to load it on and finally, and I don’t think I’ve apologised as much as this in 20 years of marriage, I’m sorry the air conditioning wasn’t working properly. I can only suggest you consider contacting customer services or using social media to draw attention to these problems. The next stop is Inverness [*sigh with note of resignation creeping in*] our final destination.”

This was greeted by a round of applause and much laughter amid a wave of goodwill.

So, Southern Rail, bearing in mind your services are about a thousand times worse than this, I would point out that THIS is how you apologise.