THE name ‘Bexhill-on-Sea’ (it’s unclear why the ‘-on-sea’ bit is required for a town by the sea) does not call to mind a chic seaside perch with gastropubs, gaily striped beach huts and Range Rover ‘Discos’ ferrying Noah and Freya to the artisan ice cream parlour. 

The name is more redolent of clearing the loft on a damp Tuesday in November and finding a 1960s Monopoly set, some 1970s curtains and an old cat basket. 

There is a reason I say this, entirely judgementally but with some foundation in experience: I lived here with my family while migraining my way through O-levels in the late 1970s.  

It was time for a return visit. 

My choice is always to go somewhere by train not car. From Brighton, Southern Rail operates the Coastway route which stretches to Ore at the far end of East Sussex and Chichester in the (not-at-all-wild) west. 

A quick online trainspotting session tell me that these Coastway trains are British Rail Class 313 and are more than 40 years old. This explains why they have upholstery smelling of damp with a whisper of 1980s British Rail, your own knees are ‘tables’ and the scratched and grimy windows are opaque. 

But apparently, Southern, arguably the nation’s least popular train company, started using these middle-aged trains on these Coastway routes in 2010.  

Fortunately for passengers on these suburban coastal routes, Southern has been deploying other rolling stock (or ‘trains’) on these routes. So substantially more upmarket and not-40-year-old Gatwick Express trains are being used. At Brighton we boarded on of these shiny red trains.  

Cushioned seats! Tables! Charging points! Transparent windows! It was an exciting and promising start. 

The route through Lewes and past the rolling Downs takes you in (and out) of Eastbourne before chugging along past the lonely-looking outpost of Normans Bay with a glimpse of Pevensey Castle. 

The first impression of pulling into Bexhill is the sheer size of the station, pictured below, for a relatively small seaside town. Good grief, the scale of it! Even allowing for the popularity of Bexhill as an Edwardian resort, the depth and length of the platforms are extraordinary. 

There would have been no football crowds or thousands of racegoers as some towns experience so it’s difficult to understand why it is so large – and why there are no toilets, even with plenty of empty units on the vast platforms. A mystery we leave behind as we turn right and immediately right again, heading to the main shopping area (from what I remember). 

And there it is! The very large corner Post Office from where was withdrawn, in the 1970s, the highest number of pensions in the country – or so urban myth had it. 

There were plenty of old people but then they’re everywhere nowadays, let’s be honest, if we’re all going to live to 90, Covid willing. 

The half dozen stalls of a mini farmers’ market are in the little square. The sight of one of these in a town makes me want to sweep an organic chicken, sourdough loaf and a beetroot chutney into a creaking wicker basket and settle into a small cosy Victorian (the house, not a stern-looking chap) round the corner. 

Of the three main shopping roads, Devonshire Road and Western Road is where most of the action is at. I use the word ‘action’ in its least active form, as in ‘the state or process of doing something’ since people are walking about. Sackville Road is still slightly ramshackle, as indeed it was 40 years ago.  

On Western Road, there’s a Wetherspoons (of course, it’s the law) roughly where the cinema was and an impressive number of occupied shops for a small town, even if there are plenty of charity outlets. But these are now where we are all thrifting away since buying new clothes (except underwear or absolutely crucialwear) is as socially unacceptable as wearing your face mask only over your mouth. Who does something that selfish and stupid? 

There also exist a stunning number of independent cafes. I didn’t count but there must be a couple of dozen within three streets, which is heartwarming in a nation infested with bland chains peddling pretend-Parisian shtick but no personality or proper meals. 

The best bit about Bexhill (no, it’s not necessarily the train out – behave yourself) is, of course, the sea. The beach is pebbly, but not with those scary giant Brighton-style boulders, and gently slopes. 

It is also ‘enviably located’ at the bottom of the main shopping street. Or maybe it’s the other way round – ask an estate agent with mangled syntax. The promenade is quiet and stylish in an Edwardian kind of way and lightly souped up with gardens and some funky angular wooden shelters.  

And there is, of course, the emphatically art deco De La Warr Pavilion

It has overlooked the sea in ocean-liner style since 1935 when it replaced a row of coastguard cottages. It was reopened in 2005 after a huge facelift. Simple but chic landscaping surrounds it and cupola style ‘lookouts’ are limitlessly Instagrammable, although not so much on the windswept day we went as a sea mist rolled in.  

Did we ascend the glamorous staircase, gazing over the Channel to the café for lunch, to admire the pounding waves from behind elegant railings? No, we tramped half a mile or so west to the Sovereign Light Café, right on the promenade and made (fairly famous) by rock band Keane in a 2012 video. There, we admired the pounding waves from behind the hand sanitizers and NHS QR code (just pre-lockdown 2.0). It’s the perfect seaside café: plenty of windows for wave and people watching, breakfasts, toasties, fish and chips, cake.   

Choice of language, often subliminally, is more important than many of us care to think about.  

Bexhill could be described as dull or as low key, as old-fashioned or retro, as a bit weird or quirky and its shops could be said to sell a bunch of mad stuff or interesting curiosities. I’m going with the kinder linguistic choices here. This is because, although there are the usual budget chain stores you see in any English town, it does have a more distinctive character than many places. 

And, as you leave, there’s time to enjoy the panoramic station once again – but it’s perfect for social long-range distancing. So to avoid the crowds, Bexhill is probably the safest place in southern England to visit.